tagasjam

Time flies and the up and downs of my wavy luck in life just never seems to stop. It's been a full month and I like to congratulate the fact that I am being quite successful to reverse engineer to the bum I had been. Happy or not, Good or not, the bum in me doesn't really give a crap's ass anymore. Never in my life has there been no such direction to whatever i want to do. And this scares the shit outta me when i look back at how much i manage to achieve and the me now just pales in comparison to whoever i used to be. Just the other day i met a cab driver whom i had the joy of talking with and not just that but i actually wanted to know this dude. He was an ex aircraft engineer and me being in the same interest and line seen this as fate to have connected with this man. At the end of the exchange and payment for the ride home i bade goodbye as i pondered what could such a recognised airforce engineer is doing here driving a cab around? It's been somehow refreshing to be able to post this journal here with such verve and words which i haven't done in a long time and i thank my somewhat stable mind for doing this for me.

Banging out again on a keyboard to try and make out incoherent ramblings their brains called thoughts. Its a talent many writers and artist of today possess which makes me turn green with jealousy at the mere thought of it. It angers and fucks me over so much that at times I have so much in my mind but so little moolah to spill when i finally get a shot at 'banging' them out here. Life has on the other hand been quite mellow, if not i might say mundane and tiring. On and off duties has made me become numb and I am no longer satisfied by the simple things life had to offer. Its so screwed up that I somehow get snuffed in this limbo state when i get too much of the other and i can't seem to enjoy any of the goods i managed to procure. Hence forth, I make this blog as short as possible but full of impact so that my almost non existent sense of fun and thrill may look back and have a short moment of joy. Peace to the fucking world [=

Not one day goes by when I look back and don't ponder what I have done. Times like this happen when I stare at the parade square with thoughts flowing through my head. After all isn't that the purpose of this journal? A place to write your random what nots. The constant chatter of people now reminds me of how adaptable I am trying to become by writing out the first paragraph of this post for the past four hours on a train. The movies watched today was what had set me to write this post. In a world that is constantly changing, friends at times trade places in your eyes to become betrayers and anything else that is associated with the word foe. Deception and lies become the name of the game now and it sets one to ponder what good is left in this society we live in? Is society all just a show? Is anyone out there true to who they really are now? I for one can't say that I am true to who I am cos if I did I probably be known as the biggest liar. A sad but true case when the phrase one rotten egg to spoil the damn basket comes into play. Walking back to the room after my mini movie marathon and self reflection. I am gonna be truthful and say that a few of the people in the room are bastards who have become power mongers and pretentious people who try to make you think they care. Hence, this nature passes on to the other and starts what seems to be a never ending relay. Thus, admittedly I am guilty for joining the gang. But at least I'm truthful. It has become my goal in this short post that I should aim to become one that has the balls to say when he is lying and to have the balls to be independent from all sources so they can't pin dirt on me.

A month or so has past since my last post. A pre-Christmas post it was, from then till now, I have had the time to reflect on the things that had occurred in my life for the past month. However, this post although postulated to be out two weeks ago has been somewhat delayed by my lack of inspiration but in a way also due to my laziness. To put in short, this post was meant to be released on new years day. To summarize what I have been through the last year, it was a year of mostly bad luck. Failing and losing almost every aspect of my life is what i would have called 2011. Exaggerated as it may sound, it is true on the account that I had to break ties with family and friends, failing in my work in NS and my pilot career and last but not least losing a family member who was so dear to me. It had been a dark year but as they say there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Light in the form of reconciliation, new friendships and prioritising on the important things in life. Although a 'dark' year for me, I have picked up many lessons and hopefully emerged a stronger and better man. Lessons like knowing what is it being like to be fully responsible for your actions and to actually walk the talk, knowing the right friends to trust and last but not least that family would be the only pillar left anyone falls on. Like every year we all come up with a new resolution. For me, I'm resolved to make a better and more responsible me and to put others ahead of me even when I am hard pressed.

On a lighter note, i guess i am pretty glad that i have been placed in such a position to be able to afford space to think after the hectic life i had been through. This I could not afford due to the fact that OCS does not afford you the time.

Booting myself out of OCS although seems like a big thing to people in my perspective is not very big. Largely because my passion for soldiering is somewhat never there to begin with. Being in OCS meant that i would be put through the infantry course. This to me meant two paths. One struggle through and commission and slack or Two out of course again and revert back to being stateless. In this case, the latter was chosen based on my decision and what my heart spoke to me. Cryptic as it may sound, but as I had stated before, soldiering is not a career but a passion. Unfortunately for many young singaporeans, this is somewhat forced onto us. However, I never regretted the fact that I had to enlist in the first place as it teaches you to view things in a newer perspective. In many aspects it teaches us to treasure the simple things in life. If you do notice my past posts, the simple things in life is what we all need as they are the things we go back to when we lose our way.

Another reason why I had myself booted out of OCS was because of this word called trust. The definitiion of trust as stated by is the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing. in these few words. Perhaps in being independent I had lost this reliance but in many ways there is only so much a single individual can do. But in losing trust and being independent, I have also lost the trust of my platoon mates. Sadly now, in some aspects i have lost the trust from relationships mended and it is up to me to heal the wounds i had created.

On a last but quick note, 2011 may not have been a good year but let 2012 be a good one. To quote a small chinese proverb, "明天会根号!" Which means tomorrow will always be a better day. With that i bid y'all have a good and happy chinese new year... Au Revoir

It's been a month plus since I have done my habitual posting on my blog, I guess it was because I have been bombarded with shitload after shitload of training. To keep y'all up to date on the goings on, I have been tied up the last month arranging things for 100 or so men and of course going to brunei and shutting myself off from civilisation and coming back with all sorts of souvenirs on my body.

Elaborating more on arranging things, just before brunei my dear instructors wanted to let me have a hand on taking on important roles in camp as a cadet second in charge. Of course this brought along a whole lot of inconvience in my life. The four weeks for me taught me to multitask but also taught me to treasure the life of a cadet. On a side note I did abuse my power. After four weeks of hell, my life as a stressed up lack oifsleep and rest person came to an end. Brunei started the next phase of hell as we trained in the sweltering heat, climbing ravine after ravine, going to sleep wet and hungry. It was after all this that made me reflect deeply in the things that happened in my life was all a priviledge. It was there that I discovered that I really had no business being in ocs at all. It also made me doubt my sole purpose and also if I could be a responsible role model for my future men. Looking back at the hectic weeks I found myself sort of immune to all things that used to affect me greatly. But on a better note going through hell here enabled me to really take stock on how my family treated me and how badly I treated them. So hopefully, after all this I hope I could be a better man.

It has been almost an ardous three months as i close part of my life in OCS and a small part of my entire life so far. As it had been promised to me, time indeed did fly as I did training after training, week after week. Stemming from the subject of this post, I am using this post for two purposes, a summary and a lesson. Like on of those lame reflections I had written this would almost be no different. Three months in this god forsaken place has taught me several things, treasuring the little things in life and mostly how everything works like karma around here. Of course, fun tmes like social night, the countless games were the things we sort of lived for as men under the same roof for the last three months. However, the tough and frustrating times including the never ending standby areas, high kneels and who could forget the knock it down sessions which just never served it's true purpose. These small experiences aside, the people in my room now hanging out is probably a testament that we all had found our sense of belonging to a group of people. Like the racial groups in the prisons which we see in national geographic, there seems to have no barrier left in the small world we lie in. Sadly, as we end the three months together, we all sat down and reflected about all the times we had spent doing everything together.

Staying in the same place and in my comfort zone has had it's bad times as well, one of which is what i would describe in the next few sentences. Bidding a sort of painful goodbye to a buddy whom i had grown so used to all his 'stealing' of my stuff, his untidiness but most of all the small things he does to perk up my day and practically the relation of things to everything i know. Having people leave my life has been a painful part of life everyone can mostly relate to. Times like these although takes some getting used to is something we all have to go through. Experiences like having my grandfather pass on, a close friend moving on with life after a quarrel which i didn't even know and lastly my buddy moving on to a new place to begin the next major part of his life. On my part, as described above, this is like karma where i slacked here but is getting my payback in terms of many other things. But as they say, old things need to go for new things to come in. Good or bad these things would still come and it's just a matter of adjusting to all these new thing which i had done on most part of my life.

To round of this post, i guess just a matter of getting used to it is what i need to learn as i type the second post i ever done in camp. With this i bid you folks goodbye. Ironic how i talk about staying as I leave you here though. Bye.

0230 i guess it's that favourite time of the day where i love to spend writing my entries. It's been a while since i had encountered a 'life changing' experience. And it happened seven hours ago. Let's begin with the normal description. As usual saturdays are awesome for going out, so without a thought i left in my sister's/ gramp's car to 'unwind' and just to get to a party. Speeding through and fro without a care, I then came to my most hated which was traffic jams. That was where my day took a steep dive which let me in shock and disbelief and later regret for the man i am. What happened? Well let's put it in a math equation: "Sick Dude+Tissue+Driving=Grinding the ass of a Mercedes Cab." The next turn of events which involved informing the whole world of my folly and treading through almost all known shit. When things finally begin to settle down then i wondered to myself what in god's name created this accident for? The answer only came later when i realised that my life was taking a turn for the worst. As so you know much of my last 2 weeks in the army had been spent like a coward and a selfish bastard. Shirking responsibility whenever i could and blatantly just being lazy when i shouldn't. So i guess to break me out of this vicious cycles, fate put me in for a rude awakening.

A rude awakening was what i needed from all the times i spent in front of my computer and just lazing around, money i spend on myself just to make up for the things happening back at camp and of course never giving but always asking for more. More was what i got when this accident got handed to me on a plate. It was a far cry from the times i was in OCS when i was the efficient, always got something to do and always was responsible. Now, being the slop i am i guess i had forgotten all forms of DISCIPLINE and reverted back to my old self. In a way i have lost that zest in life that allows me to jump out of bed knowing it's gonna be a good day no matter how tough or screwed it gets. A humbling experience this might be, anyhow, i guess i would continue this post either tomorrow or some other time as i got to get bed to start round 1 of clearing my own mess.

3 weeks or so has passed since i last posted here. Much has happened in my military life but somehow my life on the outside had just taken a step back. Late nights which i usually spend till bout 3am and come back EXHAUSTED has somehow become sorta a thing of the past. Catching movies on my own, being lost in my own thoughts and keeping to myself has sorta become a normal life to me. In this somehow i have found the efficiency i used to dream of. But by having this i have also lost much of the humanity i had in me. Everything in front of my eyes became either useful or useless to me, something of interest or no interest. The worst part of all was that people have also fallen into such a category in my eyes, i am slowly becoming someone who have only my well being being my top priority. It's a queer situation that i find myself in, but i guess this maybe the only way i can just blunt myself through the mindless nine months which lies ahead of me.

As of now, everyday is just a day i wanna get by, a place i want out from, people i want to be away from. Things which i say now although may seem bleak but it's just a way which i think i can only handle the life here. With that i bid goodbye...

Prison. Definition from Wikitionary is any place of confinement or involuntary restraint. Kinda insane that i would like to be a member in this club. But guess i outdone my ownself by resigning my fate to such a life for the next nine months. I know it's kinda brute to call OCS names like this. But as they say, from such places there comes people who have reformed and come out to be better people to society. And of course it is no surprise that i am writing from such a place in the first place.

But all in all my experience has been so far rather quite pleasant with awesome people which provide a bond which to this day is hard to find but occurs rather quite commonly over here. Life has also somewhat been much easier compared to my BMT days where punishment was the norm. Better in a sense that i have some luxury of time to myself as well. But in getting such privileges, any normal human then rationalizes to get something better. Hence, my brain starts the comparison process of comparing myself to a civilian and to my other counterparts in the national service. The privileges like seeing my instructors booking out to get simple things like fast food. Comparing myself to friends who have already gotten their ticket to freedom from regimentation and daily i view these things and i damn myself for getting into here in the first place.Doing all this i forget the reasons why i have come here. Reasons like becoming independent, reminding myself the simple things i can enjoy in life and in general become someone who can emerge a stronger and resilient man. Even now i am also kinda jealous of my buddy who is so sociable and able to see the brighter side of things.

I wonder why sometimes i damn myself so many times and complain so much when i could actually enjoy the process of things that unfold before my eyes. I guess it was a spark that i had lost when i entered the military and is ironic that i am trying to find it back here. But as they say, what doesn't kill you can only make you feel stronger. Doubts also still fill my mind if i would even change to be a better man or remain unchanged on the path to destruction by coming here. But i guess that is really just pure me, just a guy that has a simple motto that i train more to bleed less everyday.

Just stupid that I have become such a man that do not learn how to appreciate what i have but i guess it may be what is in store for me to learn. Also day by day i am learning to love the things around me. But i guess for now is just learning to deal with the boredom of waking by 5 and sleeping early. Guess i will sign off from here, its been a long day and there are many things left for me. Goodnight fellas [=

it's been a good 1 mth since i last posted here. As usual, i start my post the way i like it, in the dead of the night in a dark room but with a better computer. the past month which has been heaven for all my schooling friends has just been the worst month of my life. Which has also come to what was probably one of the weeks which goes down as one of the worse. For the past month i have been reduced to a low down life form which has to serve masters the mentality of secondary school kids. To describe it in detail is already stupid to begin with. It so sad that my journal here has become more of a rant and emo journal rather than one that describes life. Hence looking back at it i am just so surprised how many setback i have encountered in this short amount of time.

So instead of the dreary stuff let me describe the better parts of what has been going on lately. They say good friends are hard to come by perhaps it's true in the outside world. But in the world of NS it is safe to say that is not true. Put it this way, the only man that has got ur back in clearing all the mess in ur life is ur workmate/buddy/peer. Hence, going through this together brings about a core value in the saf which sad to say is never respected by the brainless men who gives orders but more towards the brothers in arms who laugh and hurt with you. Skipping the camaraderie parts. I have recently been on a sorta mad buying spree. So far the items on the list include my new Desktop the acer predator which has been the kryptonite for me to stay home. I have also bought 2 shoes, one of which is thankfully sponsored by a close friend of mine. Other than that i haven't been saving much for the past week but who is to blame. After all, it had been a most rotten week of mine. Other than that, the high points of my month and week so far has been far and few due to the following circumstances.

In the past month, i have been as i described above, shoved in the shitload of the saf. Although army posters may put cool things like gadgets and stuff, it is still after all just a show of strength and nothing more. It is so sad to see that the so called 3G army has turned into more of a overrated events company with clearly underpaid and overworked soldiers. Going back to how this is related, i have been made so far into a sorta storeman for the saf. They say that leaders are born in the saf, sad to say it only happens to a handful of men the rest like my company sergeant major is just an overgrown spoilt child who just loves to brag about his so called exploits. Contrary to the officer commanding of my company who exudes a kind of aura which commands respect. I have also had times where doing things has just been so briefly overlooked that i have lost the interest to put in an effort in what i do.

And hence after a month of clearing shit and doing nothing, I thought that i could have a nice long deserved break and decided to go overseas. Instead my mother had decided on what to do with it and that was to enslave me to helping my grandmother. Harsh words this may seem to be used on my family but it is solely for the mother of mine who claims to treat me like a son but does so otherwise. But as the week was over for me i have somehow let bygones be bygones.

Last but not least i end this post on a note that is neither sour nor sweet. Of late i have been feeling that i have not been myself. a slow change is taking place which only the closest ones can tell. It's sad that now i have become a man that has been obsessed now with success and now nothing in my life really matters. Well as they say even the sun cannot live forever. So now i end this post wondering what has become of the me from the past. With this i bid u a goodnight and hope to post real soon. Night peeps